I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize
