Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Randomize
