I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
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