i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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