i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize