I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
