I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
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