Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
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