My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
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