allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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