soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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