so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
