Got a toothbrush?
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
Randomize
