I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Randomize
