everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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