How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
