Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Randomize
