walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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