I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
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