Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
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