just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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