Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
