What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Randomize
