you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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