I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
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