Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Randomize
