I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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