i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
