Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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