Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
He told me I remind him of his sister...
Was this before or after you did it?
before... I mean, it's been a long time. I just tried not to think of it during.
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
