As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
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