I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
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