I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Randomize
