I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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