i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
Randomize
