I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
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