Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
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