I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
Randomize
