She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
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