i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
