she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
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