Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
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