she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
you're hired as official boob wrangler
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
Randomize
