May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
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