What a fucking waste of an outfit
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
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