I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Randomize
