we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
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