you're like a bully in the Christmas story
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
