That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
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