I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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