She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
