She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
