You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Your penis caused this!
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
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