My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
My vagina is officially offended.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
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