Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Randomize
