Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
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