If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Randomize
