I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
