I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Randomize
